So, It's Been a Month. No Acceptance, No Rejection.

It has been over a month actually, since I submitted my book to a lesbian book publisher. I have not heard back from them. I have emailed them (non-rudely, though self-deprecatingly per C).

C says they are probably busy. I just keep thinking that they rejected it after the first paragraph and decided they didn't need to let me know.

I have heard that editors usually don't tell you, usually don't give any feedback about rejections.

I can understand this. After all, they must receive a tonne of requests / submissions. Logically I understand this and can empathize.

Yet, when I am on this end, (waiting and waiting, biting my nails, hoping), I can't help but rant in my mind about data in this day and age. The internet, so helpful, closing the gaps of worldwide information. The internet pushing people far apart at the same time, relegating them to just another byte of information.

I just want to know I guess. The book is not the best book in the world. This I know. Would I have ever expected it to be? Not at all. Sometimes firsts are all about being willing to try in the face of failure.

So I have succeeded. I tried. I let something from inside me out into the world. I allowed myself to hope.

Now I just wish I knew, instead of the gnawing feeling inside me of perpetual sadness, overwhelming negativity threatening to encompass me. I wish the bandaid was ripped off.

I wish I knew what and why. I could fix it. Or maybe it can't be fixed or needs more TLC than it's worth. But at least then I could move forward, make the right changes.

Most people never finish a book they start. I have. (Go me!) But now I wait, sadly.

C says she's always known I'm a good writer. Just those small words bring some peace to me, some calmness and stillness to me.

I had prepared myself for this possibility of rejection, although apparently not well enough. I guess I prepared myself well enough to go through with the writing, to click "send" on the email but not enough for an actual rejection.

But that's all you can hope for sometimes. Enough strength to get through the first step, not the first twenty. I usually think too far ahead, worry so far into the future that I can't even get past the first step.

So take a deep breath Robyn, you're on a long road.